


i once believed love would be black and white, but it's golden

by ladysparkles



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladysparkles/pseuds/ladysparkles
Summary: Thomas and Richard say very little but a whole lot during a far too brief night together
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	i once believed love would be black and white, but it's golden

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little bit of a mess but I've been working on it for many months and it felt like time to be done.
> 
> I think this accurately sums up the experience of reading/writing this (I'm the woman, everyone else is the child) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJhEomPq/

Another train full of passengers disembarked at the station. Richard watched as the crowd cleared, but Thomas wasn’t to be seen. Maybe the next train. It was Richard’s own fault that he was sitting at the station for hours waiting. A couple days earlier he had called Thomas so they could clearly make their plans for meeting again. Thomas had a well-crafted—and certainly understandable—proficiency for obfuscation in his letters, which was in most cases excellent but not always in making arrangements. If handled through writing, they may not have ended up in the same town as one another.

Thomas was so busy, but the Crawleys planning to be in London provided a narrow opportunity for one night together, provided they met somewhere in the middle. Richard had planned on arriving first and waiting for Thomas at the train station.

“Considering the way things go here, I don’t expect to make any of the early trains.”

“That’s okay. I’ll be there waiting for whichever one you’re on.”

“You could be waiting a long time.”

“I don’t mind.” Richard didn’t think he was making a joke but Thomas scoffed and that made Richard chuckle.

“And what if I miss the last train?”

“Then I’ll call you at the house to check on you and we can talk.”

“I’d hate for you to have gone all that way for nothing.”

“Thomas, it’s fine. I’m happy to get out of the city for any reason.”

That had been a lie, but telling Thomas that he’d do almost anything for a chance to see him again didn’t seem a fair position to put an already anxious Thomas in. And Thomas had not exaggerated, Richard had already been waiting for what could be considered a long time. Even for a people watching enthusiast he was getting tired of watching people walk by if they didn’t have the decency to be the man he was waiting for. What if Thomas had already arrived but he just didn’t recognize him? It was silly to think that his recollection of Thomas hadn’t been embellished in his mind. He wouldn’t be disappointed if he looked less handsome than a film star even if he did get lost in a crowd. And what a thick crowd it was. Thomas could’ve simply walked by him and he just never noticed on account of everybody in the way. 

In the midst of despair that this was a horrible plan, Richard saw him. He in fact did stand out like a beacon. Richard paused as he lifted his arm to wave, noting Thomas’s weary expression and second-guessing himself. Thomas caught Richard’s eye and half-raised arm and broke into a wide grin. Nothing about Richard’s memory had been inaccurate he thought as Thomas stepped right up in front of him. Just as handsome as he thought.

“Sorry, I’m—” Thomas began.

“You’re fine.”

The smile faded from Thomas’s face. “I wanted to be earlier, but everything went wrong this morning.”

If they had been alone, Richard would have held Thomas tight to make up for not having the right words of comfort. But here he had to make do with an arm on the shoulder. “I’m just happy you’re here.”

A trace of a smile was back, more bashful this time. “Thank you for waiting for me.”

“Shall we get to the hotel then?”

“Fine by me.”

* * *

“Do you have something to be nervous about?” Thomas asked as they sat down for dinner.

“Are you saying I look nervous?”

“Not at all.” Thomas said, clearly a lie.

 _Dammit._ Richard thought. 

For someone who worked in service he spent very little time concerned with what people thought of him. He could get far by charm and wit and not have to spare any mind beyond the basics. Footmen could be arrogant and valets could be cool under pressure but Richard had a self-confidence that went beyond any of that practically to the point of indifference. But it was backwards with Thomas. Richard wanted badly to win over Thomas but it wasn’t so simple anymore. Thomas was cleverer than just about any person Richard had ever met and far more perceptive as well. He probably kept a mental log on everybody that could rival Dickens. Already he had at least Shakespeare’s play worth about Richard. He wondered if he’d ever get to know everything Thomas had learned about him. It didn’t worry that Thomas might—or in fact, did—know all of his secrets, but that Thomas would see something he didn’t like.

“Is this all right?” Richard asked.

“Well, I don’t have much to compare it to.” Thomas said with a trace of a smirk. “So yes I’d say it is.”

That gave Richard so little to go off of, but he wouldn’t have Thomas any other way. 

There were more productive ways to spend the few hours they had together, namely in the hotel room in bed for every minute, touching nonstop. But Richard felt far more gallant taking Thomas out for dinner. As if it were almost a proper date. Thomas didn’t come all this way not to be charmed at least a little. He had to make up for how pained Thomas had seemed earlier, a look which he couldn’t quite shake. It was a look that Richard had seen on Thomas more times than they had kissed. He wished that he could drive it away and keep it from ever coming back again.

They were both quiet throughout dinner, Richard for a rare moment in his life not feeling like he had to say anything to impress or stroke somebody’s ego. All night he caught Thomas's eye and Thomas gave him a knowing smirk every time and that said all Richard needed to know about whether he was enjoying himself.

* * *

The sound of the clock chimed, marking that it had been more than two hours since they had kissed goodnight. By all rights, few men could be more exhausted than Thomas. For but a few minutes Thomas attempted to fall asleep, but it wasn’t possible. Not with Richard right next to him, possibly for the only time in months. 

He was also afraid of having any of several of the variety of nightmares he occasionally dealt with. The ones about the war he was used to and he could talk about if he had to. The others were so much harder; dreams vivid in their simplicity about being despised and unwanted. He didn’t want to go to that place and wake up scared and moody when he could stay awake where he was.

He could hardly see Richard in the dark, but he didn’t need light to know how handsome the man lying next to him was. Richard made him so overjoyed and devastated at the same time. It was the best thing that had ever happened to him. And because of that he only knew it must come to an end at some point. Hard as that would be Thomas knew he owed it to Richard to handle it better than he used to. 

It made him almost scared of how much he liked Richard. The realization was so strange, so bordering on illogical. Like a reflex, he had realized the power Richard gave him to destroy him. It terrified him. He knew that he was not so far removed from the person who would save everything to use if the situation could benefit him. But not this time. Richard had done so much to protect Thomas and make his life better in such a short time, Thomas was obligated to do what he could in return even if it were only protecting Richard from Thomas himself. 

A second chance at love wasn’t something Thomas would particularly mind. Second time around seemed to work just fine for some people. He was getting so very tired of it never working out for him. 

Thomas jerked in surprise as something touched his hand.

“Sorry, I thought you were awake. Your eyes were open.”

“Yes, sorry. Lost in thought.”

“About what?” Richard asked teasingly.

“You.”

“Oh.” Richard moved closer. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, of course.” Thomas said and paused. Richard watched him. “It’s just I know I’m going to miss you tomorrow. I don’t want to miss you now.”

Richard sat up and turned on the lamp. 

“What are you doing?”

“You’re right, of course. You always are.”

Thomas smiled softly. “Feel like we’ve barely said two words to each other this whole time.”

“How about I give you three? I love you.”

Thomas reflexively pulled back, this couldn’t be right.

“I don’t know how you’ve felt. But for me, I’d made terms with not ever being in love to save me from being angry. I haven’t particularly wanted it on account of how much of a mess it makes. And I don’t want to have part of that if I can’t have all of it. It’s worked out well for me, I’ve survived this far with my life intact. I can’t do that now though, Thomas. Not without lying to myself. I love you and it makes me angry that I can’t do more for you.”

Thomas was still lying numbly staring at Richard.

“I want you to know it. If it’s going to be a long time until we see each other again you need to know that I love you.”

A better person than Thomas might do the right thing and dissuade Richard to protect him. It would protect him and be better in the long run. But it wasn’t what Thomas wanted and he wasn’t yet a good enough person to go against his own will and the person he loved. As far as sins went, Thomas had done far worse. They could have this one.

“Richard, I love you.” Thomas started to say, barely getting the words out before Richard kissed him. “I’ve been horrible all my life, but I don’t ever want to hurt you. I know that doesn’t mean much—it sounds terrible.”

Richard shushed Thomas with a smile and another kiss. “I think it means a whole lot.”

“Thank you,” Thomas said. “For everything.”

Richard wrapped one arm around Thomas and stroked down his spine. “Of course.”

Thomas pressed his forehead to Richard’s. He felt complete like this.

“Thomas, my dear?” Richard asked.

“Hm?”

“You should sleep.”

“I’ve already told you. I want to be with you.”

“And you are.”

Thomas was nearly giddy to be indulged even as he was being told off. That was why he wanted to stay awake and keep experiencing him. But Richard, he knew, thought less of himself than he did of Thomas and wouldn’t let Thomas make that trade if he could help it. Richard moved his hand that was on Thomas’s back up to his head, stroking his brow bone and temple with his thumb. Thomas wove his arm around Richard, allowing it to land on Richard’s shoulder blade and started to succumb to the trance that Richard’s soft touches were putting him in and allowed his eyes to drop.

He wasn’t sure if it was imagined or real but he heard Richard whisper. “Goodnight, sweet prince.”

* * *

If Richard had been able to hold Thomas’s hand at the train station he probably would have dragged him off with him. In that respect perhaps it was a good thing that they couldn’t. 

“Suppose this is where we part.” Richard said, nodding Thomas in the direction of his train. 

“I’m sorry we didn’t have more time.” Thomas said.

“Make it up to me next time.” Richard smiled and extended his arm for a handshake. 

Thomas looked bewildered for a moment then took Richard’s hand. “Keep in touch.”

“Take care of yourself.”

“I love you.” Thomas whispered inaudibly.

“I love you too.” Richard mouthed back.

They held there for a moment. At last Thomas dropped his head reluctantly. 

“I’ll let you go.” Richard said.

He turned and started walking to his train in the opposite direction. A few steps away, Richard turned back briefly. There were people in the way but he could see Thomas collecting himself and starting to walk away. Richard walked a few more steps and looked over his shoulder once again; He could make out Thomas’s form because he knew it so well, but only just barely as it began to disappear in the crowd. The last glimpse he got, Thomas was also looking at his shoulder. They both nodded and walked on.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally cannot pick a writing struggle I need to have all of them I'm sorry


End file.
